Panel 1: Foxwolf sitting in her office chair suddenly remembers something. “Didn’t I order something, like, forever ago?” she says.
Panel 2: Looking determined and irritated, she says, “I definitely did. Where the hell is it? This is bullshit.”
Panel 3: She continues, “It’s been MONTHS! What could possibly be taking it this long??” On one monitor, she has opened a browser window and searched “Fetsy” on Poogle.
Panel 4: “I bet they didn’t even ship it yet. I bet I got scammed.” She’s furiously clicking through to her past orders on Fetsy.
Panel 5: The monitor displays the shipping status page. The tracking status heading reads, “You ordered this from a literal war zone.” A map is displayed below, showing the current location of the package. Below the map, the tracking details are listed: – LOL are you fucking stupid? – It’s probably a crater. – You’re mad about this? Go ahead and complain, you piece of shit. – It made it to the post office? That’s wild.
Panel 6: Foxwolf looks at the page like she absolutely hates herself. “Oh.”
Panel 1: Nelson is sitting in a pile of blankets next to Foxwolf on the couch, tongue out, looking pathetically over her shoulder.
Panel 2: Nelson has turned her head fully to look at Foxwolf. Her eyes are wide and pleading.
Panel 3: Nelson raised one paw in the air and sticks her tongue back out.
Panel 4: She cranes back her neck and stretches her paw farther.
Panel 5: Foxwolf, exasperated says, “Fine.” Nelson has stretched herself into Foxwolf’s lap and is pitifully weeping while blocking Foxwolf’s hand so she can’t keep working.
Panel 6: Nelson has reverted back to her original couch spot with Foxwolf’s hand now resting on her side. sllp sllp sllp sllpsllp sllp – Nelson licks Foxwolf’s hand contentedly.
Panel 1: Houndmage, Jerri, and Foxwolf are sitting on the couch. Jerri asks, “Hey Mom? What would you do if a T-Rex ate your car?” There is a small lizard on the ceiling above them.
Panel 2: Foxwolf responds, “I’d probably call the insurance company and get a new car.” The lizard has taken notice of their conversation and dropped from the ceiling.
Panel 3: Foxwolf has noticed the intruder and screams, “OH SHIT!! It’s one of those insurance lizards!” The lizard starts its sales pitch, saying, “ELLO GOVNA! NEED A SPOT OF CAR INSURANCE, DO YA? WELL I KNOW JUST THE THING, I DO. DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN SAVE –” The lizard is cut off by Houndmage exclaiming, “WHAT?!” Jerri says, “Dad, I’m scared!!”
Panel 4: Foxwolf screaming and pointing at the lizard, “KILL IT!”
Panel 5: Foxwolf and Houndmage frantically stomp the lizard while Jerri watches in terror from the couch. Nelson is at Foxwolf’s feet barking viciously. The lizard is choking and exclaiming, “BLOODY HELL! FUCKING WANKERS! YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY MAD!” while getting stomped.
Panel 6: Off screen, Foxwolf is yelling at Houndmage. She says, “How many fucking times does this have to happen before you change the goddamn locks?!” Houndmage responds, “I DID!!” Jerri cries, “Mommy, I don’t want a car.” Nelson has carried the freshly stomped lizard to her bed, which is littered with the bodies of previous insurance lizards.
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WITH ANXIETY – Painted Doggie Comic
Panel 1: Foxwolf clutches a huge, long shopping list, gritting her teeth and having crazy eyes.
Panel 2: Top-down view of panic-attack-having Foxwolf sitting in front of a computer keyboard thinking, “OMG I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE TO BUY FOR. WHY DIDNT I START EARLIER? I’M NEVER GOING TO GET THIS DONE IN TIME. IM SUCH AN IDIOT. WHY IS ALL THIS STUFF SO EXPENSIVE? I DONT KNOW WHAT ANY OF THESE PEOPLE WANT! DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON? I DONT KNOW WHAT MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS WANT? ALL OF THIS IS PROBABLY JUNK THAT THEY’LL HATE”
Panel 3: Foxwolf is pacing in front of scattered packages, gifts, and wrapping paper and saying, “All this shit sucks. Nobody wants this!! I have to pad these gifts with other gifts.”
Panel 4: “I know I’m forgetting someone. When am I going to have time to wrap these?” Charles the cat is loafing on some crumpled paper within the pile of gifts, as cats do. The phone in Foxwolf’s pocket is buzzing.
Panel 5: Split panel of an email displayed on a phone from Office Fella, guybro@work.com, reading, “Hello, we will be doing a secret santa gift exchange. You in?” The phone has way too many notifications in the notification bar. The time reads 10:32. Foxwolf, looking insane, screams, “NO!” while thinking “I already have way too many people to buy for!! There is no way I’m adding to it!” She screams, “FUCK THAT!”
Panel 6: Foxwolf’s point of view: she is holding her phone looking at her sent reply email. The time on the phone is 10:40. The email reads “Of course! Count me in! smiley face emoji”
Panel 1: Jerri Dogmother holds up a drawing of a dodo bird and says, “Wouldn’t it be cool if they brought dodos back?” Foxwolf Dogmother looks up from her phone and says, “They are trying to bring back another extinct animal.”
Panel 2: Foxwolf has opened an article on her phone titled THE TASMANIAN TIGER. Below an image of the animal in a zoo, the article text fades into a paywall pop up reading, “PAY UP BITCH.” Jerri is looking stary-eyed over the phone and saying, “Really?” Foxwolf responds, “Yeah! The Tasmanian Tiger.”
Panel 3: Foxwolf has gone to ScienceFactz.com because of the paywall. Below a better picture of a Tasmanian Tiger, this article is completely obscured by a sign-in screen, ads, and a notification to leave a review. A notification at the top reads, “Please take a moment to follow us on Fhart and Chit, and donate blood to our CEO’s wife so she can inject it into her face to look young forever,” followed by a link to the donation page. Foxwolf says, “They only went extinct in 1936.”
Panel 4: “I saw a video that said scientists have fully sequenced their DNA,” Foxwolf says, as she stares off remembering the sponsor of said video, CheapAssSnakes.com. The memory shows 4 ads in the sidebar of the video site, 5 ads listed throughout the video, a “buy” link to the sponsor’s website, and a notification above the video that says, “THIS SITE WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. ALLOW?” Jerri’s eyes are wide and she reaches for Foxwolf’s phone. “It’s cute!” she says. Panel 5: Jerri is gripping Foxwolf’s phone and pulling with all her might. In the foreground, Nelson the dog rolls around on her back playing with her floppy pig toy. Foxwolf, attempting to hold onto her phone and resist snapping in annoyance at Jerri, says, “People still claim to see them in the wild.”
Panel 6: “Isn’t that cool?” says Foxwolf. A massive ad for electronics that says, “WEAK-WILLED WEDNESDAY SALE! TODAY ONLY!” is blaring on the TV screen in the background. Jerri has won the phone and has not been paying attention at all to Foxwolf’s talk about the Tasmanian Tiger. They say, “Can I eat this?” as they pick up the floppy pig toy. Foxwolf looks disappointed and say, “No.”
I Didn’t Eat It – Painted Doggie Comic Panel 1: 8:00 AM: Wake up too late (office hours 7-4). Foxwolf Dogmother laying in bed looking at phone plugged in with a terribly tangled charging cord. Panel 2: 8:20 AM: View of an email on phone screen with way too many notifications at the top. The email from Co Workerington, M. D. reads, “Hello, You have fucked up. Fix plz. Thank – DISCLAIMER: If anything goes wrong, it is not our fault.” Panel 3: 11:30 AM: Fixed. Panel 4: 12:20 PM: Bike lunch starts late. Foxwolf bikes to the store and is delighted to find some clearance fish. Panel 5: 3:00 PM: Homework Wars. Jerri is scream-crying at their father, Houndmage, and presenting a math homework sheet on patterns. Foxwolf is sitting in front of her work monitors very annoyed. One monitor display an open CAD file titled FUCKEDUPBUILDING.DWG. Panel 6: 5:30 PM: Dinner. The fish is bad. Foxwolf, seated in front of the fly-circled cheap fish, stares into the distance in defeat.
